Unilever Is Evil

Posted by James Rubec on March 19th, 2013

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Dove Soap and Axe Body Spray are owned by the same company, Unilever. Have you ever watched two of their commercials back to back?

One loves women and empowers girls to be unique and true. While the other pegs men as sexual totem poles where feminine creatures gather to gorge.

Dove and Axe are like matter and anti-matter, when they collide the produce total annihilation. That is except in a universe where Unilever owns both brands and the brands can share their mutual love of showing women in bras experiencing the effects of Unilever’s products.

With this type of unbalanced marketing we’re lucky we have sex at all. If it were up to Unilever unless we washed with Axe while dating a Dove empowered Amazon, we’ed be grey raping the unenlightened.

Dove:Imagine a world where every girl grows up with the self-esteem she needs to reach her full potential.”

Axe: Except when a girl has a chance to screw an astronaut or act out a POV paintball porno that gets posted to Facebook.

On one hand Unilever is funding programs that empower young women to be strong and independent. On the other, they are fueling the masturbatory fantasy-journeys of young men who never dreamed to be an astronauts but would sure love to hold a woman.

What are women to Unilever?

Are they people or are they a result? Is womanhood a right, or categorical subculture?

Dove: “What is real beauty?”

Axe: “Lose the flakes, get the girls.”

I can’t decide.

At this point, Unilever should try to pay Michael Bloomberg to endorse Crispy Cream, or get the Catholic Church to promote the Leadership Conference of Women Religious instead of the papacy.

Unilever through Dove is fighting for equality in society – visceral and visual social balance.

Unilever through Axe, is trying to provide young men with unattainable goals of co-eds and spaceflight. Or co-eds through spaceflight.

What is more realistic?

1. A world where men can fly in space and get laid because they buy $4 deodorant.

or

2. A world where girls can grow toward motherhood without being exposed to the commercialization of their sexuality.

These are mutually exclusive realities and Unilever is happily selling to both sides of wormhole.

I’m not the first writer to point this out. Jennifer Wells of the Toronto Star
nailed it back in 2007.

However, in the years that followed, Dove spewed out ads which displayed models with no makeup (like seeing women without coverup was a paranormal event), and Axe jumped aboard the joe-six-pack band wagon.

Unilever promoting feminism is like CrossFit promoting Coca-Cola.

On the landscape of brands we’re crawling toward equality. Google is as androgynous as a brand can get and Apple is totally bi.

Still, men get sold gels and pills so they can get it up and their cholesterol down. Women are told they can have careers, kids, enlightenment and free-time if only they’d lean in to everything the do and take control. That, or become professional mommy-bloggers.

Meanwhile we need houses to live in and fuel to heat them. We need cars to drive and food to eat. With all of these necessities it is amazing that companies can fit ideals like empowerment and subjugation into their product lineup.

For Unilever it helps that they are feeding the fire that they are fighting so hard to put out.

For the record, I’ve worn Sexual by Michel Germain since 2008.

In defence of men everywhere, dudes largely ignore Axe Body Spray when we turn 13. For those that don’t, they transition to Polo Sport or Cool Water.